I'm starting this so that I can get a handle on everything going on in my head. I've dealt with a lot of issues in the past 2 or 3 years -- college, career, family, relationships, self... I swear if I let myself, I would write forever tonight, but I'm going to try to keep it down to a manageable level.
So where should I start? First off, I'm 26. I work in insurance (the normal auto, home, business, life, health, etc... interesting and boring at the same time.) And I live in Washington. I have a degree that I guess I'm using, in some way. I have a great boyfriend too. He's a paramedic. Pretty cool, huh? He's definitely got a better job than I do, but I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. But I'd like the helping people part... that would be fulfilling. If I could help people without the needles, blood, barf, scary crap, and crazy people, I'd be all for it.
I was sheltered and protected growing up and then I was able to go off to college and eventually I was able to realize that my parents really weren't there, looking over my every move. By "sheltered and protected", I mean that I had my first kiss at 17 at the Homecoming dance, I wasn't allowed to be in any car that one of my friends were driving, I was home every school night, and wasn't able to start driving on my own until I was a Senior in high school. And once I started driving, they watched even closer... I finally had a bit of freedom, but they spied on me on my way to school to make sure no one else was with me (like my best friend Sarah if I wanted to give her a ride to school) or to make sure that I wasn't with anyone after school when I shouldn't be. I remember one time, I did pick up Sarah, and I have no idea how they knew that I might give her a ride that day, but as I turned the corner to the H.s., I saw my mom's van up in the bank's parking lot on the corner (which gave a great vantage point since it was on an elevated lot). I felt like I never had the freedom to do what I wanted and deal with the consequences of LIFE. Not just dealing with the consequences of my PARENTS. Personally, I think that is the wrong way to go with kids -- I feel like if they had treated me differently - like I could be trusted, and deal with my own consequences, I would be more brave or take on more challenges. I'm no shrink though, so you never know.
When I went to college, I went so my parents and I could get some space from each other. We couldn't get along... were always fighting... and they wanted me to amount to something. My brother is super successful and apparently, they didn't want me to settle for less. So I went up to WWU with my boyfriend at the time (we were both accepted at the same time) and gained some new friends, exercised my new found freedom, and talked to my parents (mom) as little as possible. My dad was never really involved with me much, so he never really was a part of my growing up, but he was always there in the background. But I digress.
I finally grew up beyond my boyfriend and found a different guy to spread my wings with. First off - he was the only guy I had met in those first 2 years of college who really really really liked me. I mean, this guy had a crush on me! It was flattering... and I dated him out of that more than out of a connection I felt with him. But he introduced me to a completely different life. Boyfriend 1 never wanted to go hang out with new people, but loved hanging out with friends we already had (sometimes) and loved sports. Never watching them on tv but actually going out and playing them - kept me skinny! But boyfriend 2 was different - he definitely loved hanging out with people, which I loved, but he was a total couch potato, and loved - I mean LOVED! to eat out. That wasn't so good for my ass or for my cardio-health.
So I broke up with him after I graduated for a few reasons... I wasn't attracted to him, and I needed better for myself. I couldn't live my life fat and unsatisfied.
Here's where my personal journey really began.
I decided to move across the state, live in my brother's basement for a couple of months, and find myself a job. No post-college Starbucks employment for this girl! That's how I ended up in insurance. Maybe not the most exciting, but definitely paid better than Starbucks! So I got my own apartment, kept going to my brother's house for weekly family dinners with his wife and kids, and started my own little life. But this time instead of my parents keeping an eye on me, my sister in law was. This drove me crazy -- as you can imagine, I have a *thing* about being watched over, and I moved across town into a great apartment. I love this apartment, it's absolutely fantastic. Big, roomy, 2 beds, 2 baths, right on the river. I couldn't have asked for more than that!
So during the first year or so I was here, I dated a little bit, but never found anyone really worth dating long-term. So I turned to more alternative sources of getting to know people in this unfamiliar area. The internet! I'd actually done this before (my 1st boyfriend) so I wasn't too threatened by the idea. My mother of all people started this. She sent me a link to some college student on craigslist (can you believe that my own mother sent me a personals ad from craigslist?!? yeah, me neither!) I didn't reply to that one she sent me - he seemed... too old to be in collge. But then someone else caught my eye - with the top 20 reasons to say hello, including his messenger handle. So I add him to my friends list, and all of the sudden I get the message, "hello jaime". To which the past year and a half of my life started.
This is my paramedic boyfriend that I just met online. A funny, articulate, confident, muscular, slightly short, dreamy paramedic. I can't even tell you how my life changed on April 22nd. Between April 22nd and sometime in September, life was busy, exciting, fun, and fulfilling! And in September, we didn't break up - nope. He met my parents. We drove back across the state together so they could meet this new wonderful love-filled man that I was ready to spend the rest of my life with. The meeting was a day and a half of hanging out with my parents, going to the fair, and showing him around my home town. My mom told me how happy I looked, dad opened up to him and showed him his personal gun collection (which they both have interest in, and both were also in the Navy, so I figured this would be easy).
So we left, drove back to his place (he lived about an hour away from me at the time) and I spent the day hanging around his town while he worked... and I didn't have to work until the next day. While I wandered around town, mom called me to see what I was doing. And once she found out I hadn't gone straight home, she flipped the switch. All of the sudden she wanted to argue with everything I was saying - I was annoyed that she even felt like I had done wrong to leave a day early so I could spend some more time with my boyfriend before going back to work myself. I just thought, "are you kidding me?".
I swear that was the starting point of this surreal personal hell.
So I got home the next day, and at about 2pm, there was a knock at my door. It was my mom! I was shocked, and knew right away that it couldn't be good. But I'm still thinking that there was NO WAY this could be about my great paramedic -- that visit went perfectly! But it was. Apparently, they got a bad vibe off of him... we were too physically playful... he was too comfortable around my dad's gun collection... I'm still not sure what all went into it. They thought he was ungrateful. Every time I turned around, he was thankful for letting him sleep on the couch, eat mom's dinner, get a glimpse of where I came from... and even left a thank you note on my mom's computer.
When we left town, we stopped by my mom's work to say goodbye and invited her to come to lunch with us next door, but she said no. She had to get back to work soon because there was a lot to do and she brought her own lunch anyway... lots of excuses. I thought that was strange, but never connected it.
So back to the story... now mom's at my front door. She comes in, we start talking. She tells me her fears of my paramedic.. her bad feelings, she thinks he could become abusive, etc etc. It was the most rediculous and dramatic night of my life. All I wanted to do was have her leave my house. I'm not sure why, but after this was all over, and I told her that I thought she wasted her time driving over (she didn't agree of course), I was driving us over to my brother's house so everyone could see each other. Apparently, during this time that my mom was putting on her most dramatic monologue in cinematic history, my dad was doing his best at my brother's house while the kids were at school. Keep in mind that the kids have been kept out of this entire dramatic situation, so by the time my mom and I arrived at their house, everyone put on their smile and went on with daily life, spending time with grandma and grandpa during a surprise visit. On the way out that night, my sister in law stops me, very concerned. And tells me that she will never let him near her kids.
This was the point that true panic, misery, and pain set in. And that's never left. So now for over a year, I've been dealing with the after-effects.
I've been through a few stages... not talking to my parents, but talking to my sister in law... talking to my parents and not my sister in law or brother... and that's pretty much where I still am. Except that my sister in law called me the other day to meet for coffee during my lunch break from work. I knew this wasn't going to go well, but I went anyway. I wanted to give it a chance, just in case it improved the situation. Unfortunately, she wanted to point fingers and find out why this has all failed, why I haven't called my brother, why I've stopped coming to dinner, and why I am leaving her to answer her kids questions as to why their aunt never comes over anymore. My answer, as good as I can figure, is avoidance. It's come to the point where I don't want to deal with them anymore. I don't want to have to look at them, and know how they feel, and know they are WRONG about EVERYTHING.
This all started with the most rediculous feelings and assumptions and turned into the biggest monster that's just ripping everyone apart. And the thing that hurts me the most is knowing that there's nothing I can do to undo it all.
I do talk to my mom about it - she hates that she helped to create the situation that my paramedic and I are dealing with. But at the same time, she doesn't do anything to help repair and heal it. My dad completely avoids the topic at all costs. He never wants to talk about it when I see him, or reply to any e-mails that I send to him that mention my boyfriend. My sister in law is more concerned with making me feel bad about cutting off contact with them, when in reality, I can't deal with them. They don't want their kids to "meet all the guys" I date -- but the reality is that they've met all my previous boyfriends, so why is this one so different? It doesn't make any sense. They're just using that as an excuse to keep their distance from "this guy" that I'm dating that they heard bad stories about. And then my brother never talks about it. He completely ignores the situation. He won't talk to me about it, won't return my calls. And forget about e-mail...
The reason I have stopped contact with my brother and sister in law is that I sent them an e-mail. Ugh, I'm getting to hate e-mail. Mine said that I felt terrible going to dinner without him when he's not working and doesn't have anything else to do. "Bye honey, I'm going to go hang out with my family until about 10pm and you're not invited because they think you're crazy! Bye!" Sorry, that just doesn't work for me. So I told them this. I said that we needed to figure something out because I wasn't happy and this dinner thing was making it worse. I got an e-mail back from my sis in law that cut and pasted my e-mail, and all of the times I said "we" were highlighted. She said that it wasn't their problem, it was my problem, and there isn't anything she can do to help. So I stopped going.
I've gotten my fill of unsupportive, assuming, selfish people who are supposed to be there for you and love you. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only sane one in the family and I'm starting to really miss my grandmother. She would have listened to me. She would have helped me fix this. Instead, I feel lost and sullen.
So this is why I'm writing. I need to get these feelings out, even if they fall on deaf ears. I want to feel like there is hope, but until I let these thoughts out of my head, I'm stuck with them.
So, if anyone is reading this, thanks for giving me a thought - perhaps a second thought. And if you would like to talk or share advice or experiences, I'd be happy to talk.
Have a wonderful week.
